What was I doing when he left this earth.

What was I doing when he left this earth?


In the days after Ken died I was obsessed with what I had been doing on those days when he was contemplating suicide.  What was so important in my day to day activity that I had not called him?  I looked back over my schedule and found that nothing important was going on.  The fact was I wouldn't have been calling him unless I was aware that he was in trouble.

Ken lived 1200 miles away and while we did enjoy long telephone chats those chats were several months apart. There was nothing out of the ordinary about him not calling.  Within two days I would have called because he took his life two days before Christmas.  That fact, perhaps more than any other, made dealing with his suicide extremely painful.

On the days before he died I had been very busy preparing for the holiday. I looked back and found lists of things to do and gifts to buy.  He had been invited to come home but declined.  The day he died I had been busy with all of the normal things you do when expecting company.  My five grandchildren and daughters would be in town and there was a lot to get done.  I had gone to bed early and shaken awake by the call that would change the rest of my life.

Knowing that while I was preparing for my favorite time of the year he was pawning anything worth money so he could buy enough drugs to end his life just killed me. In my mind's eye I pictured him frantically grabbing things from his apartment and rushing them to pawn shops.  We found the reciepts after his death.  I poured over a photo of his kitchen and the note he left behind.  The cereal bowl and spoon in his sink was like a clue I couldn't figure out.  It took me years to accept that not every detail had meaning. 

1. What were you doing on the day your loved one took their life?

2. Do you blame yourself for not "knowing" what was about to happen?

3. Do you revisit the days before their suicide looking for something you may have missed?

4. Have you been able to let go of the feeling that you can turn back the clock and undo it?

5. Have you accepted that there was nothing you could have done to change what happened?