Ten years ago I died. My life stopped, my belief in what I knew to be true was forever altered. I was dead inside because my brother had taken his own life. Not only was I "dead", I was thankful to be dead. Life without my younger brother was not something I wished to participate in.
My brother Ken and I grew up in an abusive home. It was as if we were veteran's of the same war and as such we understood each other's fears, hopes and dreams. I was three years older and his protector. My first memory was the day he came home from the hospital. That is the day I began my first job. I was his mother at the age of three.
When a phone call woke me up that December night I assumed it was him. When I heard a stranger's voice asking if he was on a trip away from his home I knew he had committed suicide. How could I know? Because I was like his twin spirit and I couldn't feel him alive any more. His flame had gone out and I was immediately aware of it's absense.
Ken had walked out into a national part and shot himself, facts that would only come to light in the days after his death. There was the initial search for him, a time when our mother believed he would be found alive. She had not been in the war with us. She had been on the other side of the fight and much of the reason he had left this earth was in defiance of her.
Through this blog I hope to help anyone who is trying to come to grips with a loved ones's suicide. It has been the hardest thing I have ever known and it has taken me ten years to be able to say that I have healed enough to write about it. I hope you will contribute to the dialouge and in your own way help me help others to survive what is almost too painful to take in.
please answer me i just commented. i am so lost and so full of blame. i hate myelf for what i didi to him
ReplyDeletei guess the first part of my comment is gone. here goes 3 mons. ago i lost my husband to suicide i feel i my fault. he had stge 4 cancer and we had an argument. he tried to apologize and i just kept at it. as i walked away the gunshot ranf out my 25 yr old son and i ran to find him dead. if i had just listened and been tender maybe he wouuld still be here. i think he had the gun hidden when i was talking to him cause he did it as i walked away. did i do this to him and leave my dear son w/o his best friend. i can't get well i never leave my room or my bed i have lost 22 lbs and my son is my concern cause we will be homeless soon neitherof us have jobs and i don't even think i can work with the state i am in. i am so heartbroken miss him so much and cannot stop blaming myself. please help and please pray for us.and also please answer my post asap i am desperate.
ReplyDeleteHi I'm not sure if you ever got a response but I'm on here because about 8 days after you wrote this my best friends husband showed up to tell me she had put a gun to her head and killed herself. I was devastated. I think about it every day. Sunday is Mother's day and her birthday and as we approach that day I'm feeling so sad. I question if I missed something every day. but reading your comment I thought to myself " how would you know he was going to do this"? you made me think about my own situation. Nobody can ever know when someone else is going to commit this act. stop blaming yourself. He also had stage 4 cancer which means he was probably going thru some kind of depression along with his physical pain. you didn't pull the trigger, he did. I hope you have found some sort of peace. I haven't found that peace yet but I know that as a best friend she knew I would've been there in a second had she called me. But what I've learned is, when they tell you their having suicidal thoughts they're actually crying for attention. They want to be helped. when they commit it, they didn't want you to stop them. So please stop blaming yourself.
DeleteTwo months ago I lost my sister to suicide and I am now suffering because of it. I can not even begin to explain the agony I feel. She texted her kids to tell them they are in no way responsible for what was about to happen and then texted her stepson saying I will be dead tomorrow and it is all your fault. She also texted my mom saying she had taken a bunch of pills and that she was scared. Needless to say the pills killed her along with the booz. I cant believe this as our father passed at age 49 our brother at age 40 and she was devastated by both deaths.I am left now with a mom and younger sister and our moms health is not very good. Help
ReplyDeleteI think a site like this should be taken down unless the owner is going to respond because people suffering this way shouldn't have to face another rejection. It is cruel. I lived through this tho although not a family member but it's not yer fault. I personally blame god although not literally but this way I don't have to hate anyone including myself.
ReplyDeleteEmail me if you like and I will respond because You don't deserve this. And I can fn prove it.